Monika's Diary
by Elena Watanabe
Summary: Monika's Diary it's a journey through her head...and the other club members.
1. September 16th

_**September 16****th**_

I do adore writing.

I adore how words can flow of my pen as the ink its writing.

And I adore you.

I just adore you, I don't really think I do feel something big and intimate as "love"

But, for now you have a piece of my attention with you.

Why I have fallen for you?

I never have fallen for anyone.

They fall for me…but I never pay any attention.

They don't deserve my attention, they don't deserve my time, and they don't deserve my voice, my body, anything.

They don't deserve me.

But…I want you to deserve me, to put the same amount of attention as your "dearest friend"

Your friend which I don't really like.

She just…

She just…

I can't find any words right now.

I don't want to sound like the meanest person in the world.

I'm not like that, I don't like being mean. Yet, I think she only does that for attention, she's quite needy.

Anyway...it's almost my birthday.

I hope you could remember, just a "Happy Birthday" from you will do my day.


	2. September 17th

_**September 17**__**th**___

When I started this club I wanted to spend time with the people I think I thought I liked.

I lied myself a little bit, I don't really like any of the members of the club.

Specially…your friend.

She's clumsy for not saying stupid.

She's dumb for not saying idiotic.

The other two, are quite different from your friend.

Don't get me wrong I don't like them either.

One it's a cry baby, she just cries and complains all day long.

The other one doesn't speak at all but when she does, it doesn't matter at all because her voice it's so soft and low that it's like she isn't there.

_And you._

You just are here because of your friend and that's the loveliest thing I have ever saw anyone doing for a friend.

If you were another kind of person you would avoid her request immediately. I'm sure you wouldn't even try it.

It's a fact that our club isn't the most interesting thing in the world, you know that by now, we are just four people in that classroom.

For me, two people are enough for this club, who are those two you ask? Of course you and me.

_**Just you and me!**_

Can you imagine?! Just you and me writing, reading, and telling our opinion about the books we read…all alone in that immense classroom.

_**It's all I need, just you and me.**_

Still, I want to apologize with you today, I know that our poem reading time might get boring. I know that because you couldn't stop yawning. I don't know if you were tired or bored, I hope it's the last one! (_I hope not_).

You may never know, it would be embarrassing. But the poem I wrote last night, was for you.

And you were yawning.

It kind of hurt me.

But I cheer myself telling me that…you are bored of the people around you.

About the other three girls.

I know they bore you and I don't blame yourself.

One of them spends the day crying and heals herself baking desserts.

The other one… (_I may be lying_) I have seen her legs and arms injured beyond belief, does she cut herself? That's scary, but I'm sure she does it.

And that girl.

Your friend.

That…

That…_**damn**_ girl!

The way you tell her to go home it's the sweetest thing in the world, and she just replies with a smile. She looked like an orphaned kitten.

That was the only time I really wanted to be her.

I want to know how it feels walking aside you, even if it's the puniest walk…I just want to be with you.

I once heard Sayori that…you were friends since childhood.

What a lucky one.

I never had a friend like that…

I want to be her…I guess.

_Monika's to-Do-List:_

Leave the poem assignment.-

-Practice piano.-


	3. September 18th

_**September 18**__**th**__**.**_

Reading poems today was the most interesting thing I have ever done in a while.

You could see people's true colours when they talk, draw and in this case, write.

Yuri's poem was the most fascinating thing I have ever heard.

Why?

Let's say that Yuri it's a brainy girl whose flamboyant words really get you.

Her poem was beautifully written with an eerie touch!

It must be the first time I was interested in the session in a long time.

Yet, I lost total interest when this brat began talking about cupcakes, cute stuff, boring stuff.

I once told Natsuki that she should expand her themes for writing. I even gave her an Edgar Allan Poe book once to see if she even could write something "dark". Next day she gave it to me saying that it was "scary"!

And then…your friend, stumbling when trying to get up from her chair. Such an idiot, can't even get up in a right way.

Her poem was a mess, just remembering it gives me a headache!

I did something quite rude when she was at the middle of it. I excused myself saying I needed to go the bathroom.

A very, very rude move indeed but I couldn't stand Sayori's voice. Even when I was outside I could hear it.

Even she laughed when I said my dull excuse.

I wanted to bash her face…

I know that she's your friend and if I did that, you would hate me until the end of days.

I don't want that. I don't want you to hate me!

Sometimes I DO think you hate me but…I told myself that I haven't done anything wrong to you. Right?

After Sayori's mediocre poem reading, you read your very messy poem.

You tried. You tried so bad that it was funny.

It was fun seeing that someone who has never written anything tries to be good at poetry.

You're so bad at it that it's kind of cute.

As always, Yuri was rude to you saying that it was confusing, and you laughed.

Natsuki, insulting as always. Told you that it wasn't poetry, those were just random words trying to rhyme…

Finally, your dearest friend…

Sayori.

Sayori…

THAT, **BITCH!** (That damn…girl)

Just told your poem was "Ok" and you should keep practising,never quitting her twisted grin.

As the president of the club, It's my duty telling what have you been improving, I said that you have getting good since you started (sorry for lying)

And you smiled at me.

And that almost made me melt, luckily I kept my composure.

I was afraid of me, I never felt that.

I thought I was going mad.

Then I resumed the session, I needed to forget your smile.

**_Your beautiful smile._**

I hope I could see it every day.

Then we went home.

I got jealous again, a never ending nightmare.

A never ending punishment.


	4. September 19th

_**September 19**__**th**_

For a sunny day, Sayori was quiet as never before.

I was kind of glad actually, I couldn't hear her squeaky voice for one day.

Though, you lost your beautiful smile and I don't like that.

I don't want your smile fading away or disappearing. I can't allow that.

I blame Sayori, she's making you miserable.

Yet, making you miserable was the best thing that could ever happen, may sound terrible, but it was the first time that you really got close to me, you find me helpful, you thought me as your friend.

I am your friend, right?

However, telling me that your dearest friend was in the dumps and that if could to her to know what's wrong, quite made me reconsider my offer.

Everything for you, even if I don't want to do it.

ONLY TO MAKE YOU TURN YOUR HEAD AT ME.

You see, I really don't like your friend.

Sayori it's just a waste of space.

She was a waste of…_seed_.

I have never thought something like that, I am not sorry though.

Why I am not sorry?

I talk to your friend.

Oh yeah, I did.

God knows I tried.

It was a loss of time and words.

She told me that she's miserable since long ago, even after getting into the club, but she's trying not to fall in that "void of sadness" as she said.

"Also, I don't want him to be worried", and she looked at you with a tiny smirk and her eyes opened.

The way she looked at you…

I never have saw anyone eyes expressing that…

Her eyes were full of love.

Real love.

LOVE THAT I MIGHT DON'T HAVE.

_**WHY I CAN'T HAVE YOUR LOVE!?, WHY YOU CAN'T SEE ME AS SHE SEES YOU!?, WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME!?, WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME THAT YOU CAN'T LOVE ME?!**_

**Sayori…you're a waste of everything.**

I can't believe someone like you even exists! I can't believe that someone deserves worrying for you, I can't believe that you have the sweetest person beside you and you can't realize how much you have.

You're a **FUCKING BITCH!** (Bad person).

You told me that everything would be cool.

"Cool", an expression that doesn't mean anything to you, but you didn't stop there.

You told me that you felt like if it was raining everyday inside your head.

"I want the clouds to go away, Monika!" you told me almost in desperation, I could see a tear forming in your right eye.

Are you really feeling that bad, Sayori? , Or you want that my dearest one never leave your side. That would be pathetic, just like you.

I told her that she would be fine, that she wasn't the Sayori I knew.

The sunny, cheerful, upbeat girl I know.

The pretty, charming, graceful young lady.

The incredible, prodigious, amazing Sayori!

**THE SWEETEST GIRL I HAVE EVER KNOWN.**

I hate lying.

You just laughed and cleared the almost falling tear with the sleeve of your blazer, then you hugged me and said "Thanks".

**NEVER TOUCH ME AGAIN!**

I saw you hopping, trying to be "happy", and hiding your cheerless heart aside, as always you stayed by his side.

You don't deserve to be her friend!

You don't deserve his attention!

You don't deserve him!

You are useless!

_**P.S:**_

Sayori called me that night, it was almost 2 in the morning.

She was crying, she told me that she has been thinking "bad stuff", she can't sleep because of that.

I told her to remember what I said in the morning.

That she was the amazing Sayori, the greatest girl ever.

She laugh again and said "Thank you, Monika! I don't know what I have done without your words!"

Don't worry about it, Sayori…

_**I'm trying to help you. **_


	5. September 20th

_**September 20**__**st**_

We are getting ready for something big, at last something exciting!

Our school organised a festival! I'm actually pretty looking to it, it would be a great thing to get people interested in our club. (_Please_)

As the president of the club, I took this extremely important, not only for what I said before but for literature itself, aside from Yuri, I really took literature and writing deeply important.

I kept the news to myself after sharing poems, I can't tell how excited I was!

I told the club that we would participate in the festival, everyone was quite interested which was a surprise for me.

I was happy to know that Yuri and Natsuki were hooked to participate to the festival. They have been arguing recently a lot and this have changed the mood of the club drastically!

I barely can stand Yuri and Natsuki this days, they fight so much to each other that I prefer Sayori.

Weird right? But here's why I do prefer her now than those two. She's been so quiet, I hardly have heard her say something. And if she has said something it's about the session or just a very dull opinion on some topic.

Never have seen Sayori this way, it's quite creepy...yet I'm quite happy for that, I can't hear her heinous laughing and voice.

But now I have to stand with those two spoiled brats which have been trying to get you too, I think that's just my crazy imagination…

You're so friendly with them that's not strange they might have developed a crush on you.

Yuri must be the one who's after you, isn't?

I mean, look at her...tall, soft voice, intelligent, classy, one of the most beautiful girls I have ever saw.

But you're not for her, look at you! You're clumsy! You don't like literature at all! You don't even know how to write a poem correctly!

YOU'RE NOT FOR HER.

And...Natsuki.

She's tiny, she knows how to cook, she has a very cute voice indeed, quite funny too, she's like a kitten in disguise.

But why she will be interested in someone like you? You're rude!, You don't like her stupid manga!, I doubt you can even know how to turn a stove on!

YOU'RE NOT FOR HER EITHER.

And, look at me.

Monika!

I think I'm friendly, I think I'm quite smart, I think I'm an educated girl.

I think that something I really I AM good at it's at playing the piano. I just started three months ago and I'm getting good every time, I hope I can be a professional soon!

Some days ago I heard Natsuki telling Yuri that I'm a role model to them! Shocking right?!

I never thought myself as a role model, I do know I do push myself to the limit to be a great person.

I try to have the better grades in my class.

I try to learn my piano lessons the best I can.

I really do try MY BEST to be a great person!

Or at least...a role model? Do I want to be a role model as Yuri and Natsuki think? Maybe.

But if being a role model makes me shine a light on me and you getting a glimpse of it, I would be more than satisfied.

At least that would tell me that you know I'm here.

Today I tried my best to be with you, even for once.

I used the festival as an excuse for it.

As I have mentioned before, Natsuki it's excellent at baking. Personally her cupcakes are the best I have ever tasted! They are so good!

So, for the Festival I gave her the duty of baking cupcakes and other type of sweets, she really liked the idea. I felt relieved by it.

Referring back to Yuri, she's the best writer I have ever met, also she has a very intense form of writing. I have been having a sensation of "ambient" when she reads her poems.

So, I assigned her to write banners with words on it. A quite weird assignment but again she was quite excited for it. Everything was going up a good start!

Until I said what will be doing for the festival and everything went totally, totally wrong…

I never liked being in power, even though I am the president of this club, I do not like being in control of things even if I must do it.

This was the first time I ever wield my power as "the president" of the club, and I did that giving me the easiest work, which was printing the pamphlets of our club.

And of course, I needed help and I choose you to help me out.

Of course this didn't went well with those two witches…

Those two are starting to annoy me more than I quite even imagine.

Specially Natsuki! That brat was the first one to jump as a fiery cat into me, telling me that I did have the easiest job in the festival schedule.

Then...Yuri. She was a little more relaxed, but I could sense some discomfort in her quiet voice…

I tried, I swear I tried to be the fierce Monika...the president of this club, but I couldn't do it.

Then they demanded you to pick one of them to work with...I don't remember which of those two you choose.

I was lost in anger...in suffering.

I don't know if I was that mad!, but I lost interest in you in that moment...maybe my body tried to unplug me from the vortex of feelings that I was going through, which I must think was a wild ride.

Also, the final insult happened...I think that Yuri or Natsuki told me that Sayori would help me.

Great...just great, me and Sayori.

The greatest team ever!

Sayori + Monika!

My friend Sayori!

THAT IDIOT.

She was there, sitting, lost at the horizon of her thoughts and her feelings, she only lift her head when I said I was going to work with her…she did a very little smirk and stared at me.

Worst weekend I could have...right?

Well, working with Sayori could turn maybe a great thing, I hope so.

"So...can we meet at my place tomorrow?" Sayori told me shy... I just nod my head.

I heard something that she will buy some chips and soda for us when we were working...I couldn't care less about what Sayori would have for snacks.

How could I care if I just saw your beautiful smile at those two filthy girls...I don't know who asked you for your phone number…

Why.

Why I couldn't be that lucky?

Why I can't have you with me ONCE…

JUST ONCE.

**JUST FUCKING ONCE.**

Sayori just kept talking.

I think Yuri hold your arm for a time.

Sayori kept talking.

Or it was Natsuki who told you that you will help her with the baking?

And talking…

DID YOU TOLD YURI THAT YOU WILL WORK AT YOU ROOM?.

AN TALKING.

NATSUKI TOLD YOU THAT SHE WAS THRILLED OF COOKING WITH YOU?

AN TALKING.

DID SHE TOLD YOU THAT?

DID SHE WANTS YOU TO DO THAT FOR HER?

AND TALKING.

AND TALKING.

AND TALKING.

AND TALKING.

AND TALKING.

And you smiled…

And she just kept talking.

_**2:30 AM.**_

I can't sleep.

I woke up feeling nauseous.

I almost threw up in my sheets.

I feel anger all over my body.

My stomach can't stand itself.

I try to cope the nausea writing this…

Writing how I feel that I wouldn't see your face for two days. Such a nightmare.

Writing how I feel that another person is lucky to have you close. How pathetic I am...

Writing how much I want to see your perfect smile.

Your arms.

To feel you close.

To want you to feel your breath close to mine.

To want to feel your lips with mine.

Your body weight on top of my delicate figure.

Feeling how much pleasure I want to feel.

But...it will never happen.

And tears are falling.

And tears are falling.

But I'm not sad…

I'm crying because I'm full of wrath.


	6. September 21st

_**September 21st.**_

I'm writing this in my bed, sorry for the wiggly writing.

I just came back from Sayori's place.

It was the worst.

First of all, I was late to her place, last night was Hell for me. I woke up and threw up.

Went to Sayori's house around noon and she didn't answered the door until fifteen minutes later that I tried again.

Sayori opened the door, with her hair in a mess, pajamas all wrinkled, bags under her eyes. She just woke up.

She apologized as always, and let me inside her house.

Surprisingly, her house was super tidy! Contrary to her, quite woozy for just waking up, dragging her feet.

We got to her room, which was a complete opposite of her home...clothes and shoes everywhere! she excused herself a moment and went to the bathroom.

Her room was filled of plushies, cute things, books, ripped paper sheets in her desk, a black shirt under her bed, our uniform socks under her desk chair.

Browsing through her childish room something caught my eye, something I wouldn't wanted to ever see.

It was an old photo that stood on her desk, two little children were smiling, a boy and a girl. She was the little girl...you were the little boy, hugging and making funny faces at the camera.

Little Sayori was hugging you with so much love, you were holding her hand too...tears again.

You really have loved her since a long time ago, isn't?

My stomach went to a turn again, the nausea strike back.

I tried to relax a little and sit on Sayori's bed...and the tears went back...

My throat went in a knot, my voice got off.

I thought that you will never be with me.

Tears again.

You will never be mine.

Never ever.

My name echoed inside my head, it was Sayori. I didn't heard when she got back...I lied of what happened, I talked about last night and she offered me some lemonade which I refused.

I cleaned my tears off my cheeks and began to work on the design of the pamphlets.

As the day went by, Sayori and I didn't talk that much until we went to print the pamphlets.

We were walking, silently. We could only hear our footsteps on the ground, Sayori told me something about my outfit and I thanked her in a soft voice.

I wanted to get home but Sayori asked me something that shocked me.

"Monika, do you like him too?"

My body went straight out cold, my blood froze.

Of course, I played dumb asking her what she meant.

"You know...Him…"

I laughed a bit and she did too.

"Who wouldn't like him?" Told her.

She noded shyly.

"That's what I thought…" she stopped walking.

I looked at her, she tried to hid her face.

She was crying.

Clenching her fists so tight that she screwed up the pamphlets she was holding. Her knuckles went white, I thought for a second that if her fist put more pressure into it they would bleed.

"Monika…"

Sayori totally break down in that moment, I have never seen anyone breaking so bad, collapsed on her knees, and howled like an injured animal.

Oh, Sayori. You pathetic girl...you played yourself making a scene in front of me.

She played herself also breaking in front of me...thinking that I would help you, but...you're so wrong.


End file.
